Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
