I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
