My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
