you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
