Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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