remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
