I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
