I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
You pole danced in your parka.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
