I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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