Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
