So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.
i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.
k i'll be over in 5.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize