i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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