I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Randomize
