his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
