Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
two words...techno handjob
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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