I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
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