took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
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