I want to walk on stilts...naked
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
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