oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Reading an example in the GRE study book referencing Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles while wearing TMNT pajamas. *airfist*
omg please tell me you're eating pizza right now too.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
