well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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