So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
