It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize