I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
