Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
