a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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