is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
