In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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