can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
