I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
she smelled like a LAN party
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
