saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
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