Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
