I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
