She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
