new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
