If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize