look no pants
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
