I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Randomize
