Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize