I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
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