He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
