my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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