Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
Randomize