I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
