12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
