i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Drunk is not a location!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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