She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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