found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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