went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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