my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Randomize
