you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
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