I think I just saw someone hide a body.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I will be naked everywhere
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
