i just wanna soil my oats bro
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize