What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
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