I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
