I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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